I am duty bound to state that I am receiving payment for this blog from the fine people at “Real World Cruises & Experiences – Allowing our customers to experience the undiscovered beauty of war zones, civil conflicts and parenthood for over 40 years. Our moto? – Why waste money on a return ticket?”.
Therefore, please treat any endorsements or recommendations in this blog in light of the fact I’m getting paid millions to write it.
Those of you who spend meal times and toilet visits on Facebook (rather than speaking to your family or contemplating whether the world will be any less crazy after you have wiped) may have noticed that I have been somewhat silent for the last few weeks. For the last month or so me and Mrs DB have been riding the poo filled rapids of the great River Twokids on the HMS Oblivion.
I was going to write a full rundown of how I’ve found recent events but lack the mental capacity. However, I wanted to document for you how the brochure was presented and then highlight a couple of slight inaccuracies:
- “She’s as regular as clockwork. She has a poo at exactly 10.30 every morning.” INCORRECT – She shits like a cart horse. Constantly. In colours so unnatural they aren’t even represented in a packet of Skittles. Do not chase that rainbow people.
- “She sleeps through”. INCORRECT. I’m currently so tired I think I might be hallucinating. Like everyone else I spend a good part of my day taking guidance (and money) from my imaginary friend. In my case, a charming fellow called Allen Key, a former imaginary employee from Ikea (BTW – if you’re middle class you’ll be pronouncing that “Ikea”). It might be all in my head but since G has arrived and I’ve not slept, Allen’s started to get pretty weird.
- “She’s a very calm and gentle baby.” INCORRECT. She has the grip strength of a deranged strangler. If I didn’t have my pepper spray I swear she’d still be pulling chunks out of the beard. Nothing and no-one is safe. The kid’s got “Future North Korean Fixer” written all over her.
- “You’ll be able to take her anywhere.” INCORRECT. I just want to apologise to the poor lady who followed me into the disabled loo/baby change room at the charming McDonalds restaurant at the weekend. The poor woman had already waited 20 minutes listening to me fighting the poo covered arm wrestler that I’d had to strap to the table to change. (A word of advice – keep gaffer tape in your change bag at all times). She must have been desperate… Not for long, I can’t imagine… Despite my best efforts we left the place looking like we’d been auditioning bullocks to star in the new closing credits of Countryfile. Madam – you were looking for a peaceful Big Mac, you got a case of dysentery. For that I can only apologise.
To summarise… what can I say… Welcome to the mad house G… I’m in love.
Chaps and chapesses… it gives me great pleasure to know that people are reading my ranting and ravings but due to our situation we have to be very careful with security issues. Therefore, whilst I really appreciate lovely comments and encouragement could I please sound slightly ungrateful and ask that people don’t comment on my posts in any way which may suggest who we are or that we are connected.
Likes, shares and donations of money would be much appreciated but my being able to continue to do this is dependent on me being any to keep my nearest and dearest safe. Thanks muchly.